Blessed

I feel incredibly lucky, incredibly blessed.  I have two boys, two wonderful glowing alive boys. 
So few people actually know how afraid I am. How weak I actually feel.  Us mothers are our own worst enemy. 
I am so worried all the time about Emmett, about his shunt malfunctioning again, about his kidneys failing.  I know I am not supposed to fear what may or may not happen. It is so hard not to. I put on a happy face, and I am strong for Emmett and Liam. But at the end of the day, when all else is said and done, I lay awake, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

There is a balance in our lives. Like a set of scales, always balanced: a red apple on one side, brown on the other. It is arrogant to believe otherwise.

Emmett is doing amazing. I find it hard to revel in this, if I smile, will it all crumble?  He is using a walker, with AFO's. Aside from a couple of UTI's and the most recent Bladder infection is doing remarkable.

but....but.....I want to live each day at a time. I want to be the glowing proud mother who doesn't stumble over her words.  Someone for the boys to look up to.  I am weak.